Wed Mar 23/05
Prohibit this

"How old is this Heather Lawson?" asks my friend Sean (centre). "90?"

It's a valid question. Lawson's Saturday article in the Globe is weak in concept and farcically puritanical in tone: "For some teens, spring break means a chance to tipple," says the subhead, "…but an alarming number land in hospital." Thus, for starters, Lawson relates the story of one of her daughter's friends who "landed in an ambulance after consuming too much alcohol." Wait, landed in an ambulance? Why not hospital? Well, uh, because she didn't actually need medical attention. Yeah, it's really not much of a story. (Of course, five beers, two Smirnoff Ices and two gins and tonic would bleary anyone's eyes, especially if, like "Heather," they "hadn't eaten a meal all day." Lawson seems unconcerned with Heather's apparent eating disorder.)

Then there's 14-year-old "Brad," who passed out in a park while drinking vodka with friends (sic), who "scrawled his phone number, last name and address on Brad's torso, called 911 and then deserted him." Brad should take it easy on the screwdrivers, no question, and maybe it's just me, but all I want to know is what kind of sick, blame-obsessed parenting produces 14-year-olds willing to let a friend die alone in a park rather than admitting to having had a few drinks. I don't care how drunk they were — that's outrageously bad decision-making of a type that extreme demonization of alcohol is certainly not going to help.

Prohibitionists think like all extremists — they twist situations and issues to fit their purposes — and their fingerprints are all over alcohol-related debates in Canada (see recent LCBO/Beer Store privatization shenanigans). It never ceases to amaze me that "binge drinking" is "defined as having five or more drinks for men and four for women on one occasion." How the hell can we ever get an accurate picture of alcohol abuse in Canada when our definition of "binge drinking" effectively amounts to the average Canadian's Friday night? It's a pathetically transparent strategy designed to elicit guilt and alarm, as is this dead giveaway statistic:

In 2001, over one-quarter… of Ontario students in grade 7 to OAC reported binge drinking at least once during the four weeks before the Ontario Student Drug Use Survey.

"25 percent of twelve-year-olds are binge drinking!" is what they want you to shriek, just before you call your MPP.

Please, everyone just simmer down. Alcohol, though delicious, is a demanding mistress. We should teach children to avoid unsupervised consumption until they are mature enough to enjoy it responsibly. But we should also make damn sure they know that it is far, far worse to leave one's friend to die in a pool of his own vomit than it is to get busted with a case of Wildcat Strong over the March Break. For Christ's sake, boy, drink something decent!